It's How You Get There

I walked through the night, and found him there.  It wasn't God, He wasn't missing. This is the one I always wonder about. Wondering if he'll be part of this life or not.  Wondering if he's real.  Wondering if I'm crazy for wondering anymore... And on this particular night as I wondered, I looked up and whispered.  Whispered a wish to the stars I couldn't see, about the man I couldn't find. Then the night went still, and for a moment I felt a wondering back. The beat of a heart. It echoed mine. Curiosity.  Confusion, excitement,  Hope. Then the red and blue lights of a patrol car swept by, slicing the air. And in their passing left just God and I,  walking the empty street. Only this time, I wasn't left wondering. -Shayla

"...I know in whom I have trusted." (2 Nephi 4:19) My entire life I've been almost entirely surrounded by others. With 7 kids (who act more like a pack of puppies than not on any given day) none of us were ever truly alone. At 19 I left on a mission for my church where I was always with another missionary...the only time I slept in a room by myself was my last night before I went home. Then I was back home, and my 19-month-old baby sister was always among the first of my siblings to pop into the guestroom as soon as the sun would start to shine.  In college I had roommates, and whenever I visited home though I often had a room to myself, there was almost always someone there with me. Someone coming to just sit on the bed. Someone coming to talk about their day. Someone, there was always someone.  It wasn't until shortly after graduating that I got my own apartment and truly lived on my own. I remember that first night in the apartment. My family had left, and I wa...

  There's a kind of magic that comes with rainy days. It whispers enticingly, the urge to curl in bed with a blanket, to listen to its whispers as it empties the streets of regular passers-bys, lets you catch glimpses of the shadow figures you'd regularly miss in the bright sunlight, reminding you that there are worlds within worlds, and asking you to find some of that in yourself. The majesty of stillness in the presence of constant rainfall and taxi horns, the deep baying calls of busses as they continue their rhythmic looping, the cough of the ahjussi smoking under the eves, sounds so common you'd say they might as well not exist until you're suddenly faced with their absence. It isn't until then that you realize those moments fed your soul.

“Memories of childhood were the dreams that stayed with you after you woke.” ― Julian Barnes, England, England Sometimes when you lay in bed with the clear intent to sleep early, moments come that change all of your plans. Granted, the two hour nap I took earlier today may have something to do with that, but sometimes my mind isn't done with me. Tonight it felt like a fairly strong combination of the two. Thoughts flooded my mind, and I found myself almost reliving memories from when I was younger, my sense flooding with sights and sounds that seem almost ancient now.  Most, if not all, off these memories take place in a small apartment where we lived in Virginia for several years as Dad finished his doctorate degree and then started working. My memory is a little hazy, and we moved back in forth there, so these memories are all a mixed jumble of events.  I remember running through the apartment from one side to the other, little brother tearing along behind me. That room was ...

“Oogway: There are no accidents. Shifu: [sighs] Yes, I know. You've already said that twice. Oogway: That was no accident either. Shifu: Thrice.” ― Kung Fu Panda I cried in church today.  I woke up to Sunday like I regularly do, put on my makeup like I regularly do, walked into church five minutes before it starts like I regularly do, and sat in my seat like I usually do, and cried.  It wasn't a loud cry, that was saved for the video call with my parents when I got home. It was the gentle welling where only a tear or two escapes, but knowing it's only one "are you ok, dearie?" away from exploding into a miniature representation of Old Faithful.  The week was a bit of an emotional one. Perhaps it was a delayed onset of culture shock, or maybe my erratic sleep schedule had started to catch up with me, but I was closer to my emotions than I have been in a while. A large part of it has been I have slowly felt myself slipping in key behaviors that generally keep me afl...

"The world is a looking glass and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face.” – William Makepeace Thackeray It's been 4 months since I've come to Korea, and like I regularly tell my friends "I've felt like I've been here for days or years, take your pick." The closest thing that I've had to this in my life was when I served a mission for my church. Each day felt it lasted a year, each week a month, the each month a week, and the year a day. Time kind of did it's own thing and I lived within it.  I think a large part of why that is is because steep learning curves have a way of sucking you into them. You become such a part of the experience that when you finally surface for air you realize days have passed in the sea of everything you've had to learn. My Grandpa "C" asked me yesterday if I felt like I had settled in or if I was still in the middle of adjusting, and while I told him I felt like I was out of the woods, I mi...

Littles feel pain. Sometimes it's easy to forget that. They play so well, laugh hard, are good at acting like they can't hear thing. Sometimes it's easy to forget that. That they get dragged into big people problems that aren't their fault. That there are pains and struggles they have to pretend don't exist when they come to school. Their lives have to continue, and often at the beat of someone else's drum. Some of these emotions are shiny and new, terrifying in their size and intensity. Their very presence creating a overwhelming paralysis. Augmenting the terror.  Then they cry and are told they can't. They're told to use words they don't have. To express feelings they don't know exist. Is it a wonder then they turn to silence? That when they realize they can't be understood they pull away and stay within themselves? Because at least that's a constant. In this whirl of pain and confusion, at least they can trust themselves to not disappo...

For cleanness of body was ever esteemed to proceed from a due reverence to God, to society, and to ourselves.      Francis Bacon Saturday I cleaned, and I did it with a fury and passion that only comes to me when a) I'm being paid to do it or b) stress cleaning.  Cleaning isn't hard for me. Throughout college, every time I came home on breaks, and after graduation, I used housing cleaning to augment my income. It's actually what introduced me to my last boss who eventually hired me to come work in the office as a leasing agent. So while I'm not always the neatest person, I'm not afraid of some of the weird things can come up with a dirty house.  Stress cleaning though, I entirely attribute to a roommate from college who's sanity highly depended on the apartment being clean. She wasn't anal - the bathroom and back rooms could be in any condition we liked. But the living room and kitchen, where we lived and had visitors, had to be kept orderly. And about twice...

“I’ve come to a frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It’s my personal approach that creates the climate. It’s my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or dehumanized.”  -  Haim Ginott When I was younger I remember how excited I was when I would get that text notification from a friend. Before that it had been email, and I'd have to wait days between messages. When I first started texting I loved the faster responses, hearing from them within minutes. Gleaning every ounce from the 160 word count limits. This was a vast improvement it seemed to me from having to wait for the email or the chance to see them on Sunday at church. I loved my friends, and I loved...

Nearing the end of my second month here there's a little principle I'm currently internalizing that warrants sharing:  Sanity Requires Flexibility.  Sometimes that looks like buying the 30 pack of toilet paper, because bulk shopping toilet paper is apparently the only way to buy toilet paper and no waiting for a smaller pack to show up will actually make that happen.  It looks like realizing my new debit card doesn't actually work as a bus card and having to decide if I'm going back to the bank to fix it, or see if my phone is compatible with their electronic payment system. Then realizing that because my phone is "pay as you go" and not on a phone contract they may not take the phone option anyways (EVERYTHING is attached to you phone number, EVERYTHING.  Or there's when one of the boys pretends he's Legolas shooting me with an imaginary bow and arrow, and since Legolas primarily shoots orcs I have to decide if that's a point of discipline or shou...