Kindergarten Survival 101

“Employers babysit parents while their children are at school.”

― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

10 Laws of Kindergarten Homeroom

1. If you can't be silly you're not going to make it. 

2. There's no point in guarding your dignity - they'll give it back when they're done with it.  

3. Cute and pretty are NOT interchangeable, suggesting otherwise is a punishable offense. 

4. Washing hands is optional, holding hands is not. 

5. Unicorns are animals, just like everyone else. 

6. Purple is the supreme color, unless you can choose pink. Then always choose pink. 

7. You can't copy someone else's drawing unless it's already been telepathically agreed on by everyone beforehand. If you missed the meeting that's just too bad. 

8. Skirts make you pretty. Dresses make you Elsa. 

9. If you can't do "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" at the speed of light you are the weakest link. 

10. You date who they tell you to. Even if it's a king who predates the discovery of America by a couple millennia. 

These really are only a few of the most basic rules, and there are plenty more, but I can't share those because they fall under the "Day to Day" clause which states "Anything that happens in kindergarten homeroom, stays in kindergarten homeroom". But since that's a rule that's largely enforced by kindergartners, and they're not known for being particularly tight-lipped, just go find one and I'm sure they can tell you. 

You might have to agree that pink is the best color ever first, so you be sure to analyze your core values before and decide if that's a concession you can make. 

But once that's been done, and you've signed away your soul to whichever Frozen character they're idolizing on that particular day (heaven help you if it's Olaf), you're in. Prepare yourself though, as some of the things you'll see and hear might shock you. 

You may find that the youngest has drawn a picture in her textbook of her mother giving birth to a new sister, complete with a pool of blood and excited newborn yelling "thank you, mom!". 

Maybe a little boy will use his mask to blow his nose and refuse to go get a tissue, choosing instead to let it collect at the bottom of his mask by his chin. 

Perhaps they pounce on you from behind the door as you come in, attaching themselves to your leg and you realize your only hope of freedom is to somehow get yourself across to the lectern, where the added authority might be enough to get them to their seats. If not, start singing "Let it Go!" and they might become distracted just enough for you to slip free. Make sure you sing it, as simply saying "let it go" might make them think you're just talking about the leg. 

-Shayla