Looking Back
“The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.”
― L.P. Hartley, The Go-Between
2020/7/26
In the end often what gets written is what comes pouring from my fingers once I place them on the keyboard. And that is a mixed bag. It results in having 5 published posts, with 5 in progress...with only a few actually making it to becoming published drafts. It's convenient though, since it means I almost always have something in the works that I can have ready for my posting schedule. It also makes for out of order narratives, different storytelling styles, and sometimes incredibly long posts.
Today's post though, isn't so much a narrative of specific events as it is an expression of an inner monologue that I've been having with myself the last couple of days.
This is South Korea. I still don't quite believe that I'm here, though I am regularly reminded that I can't hold even a very basic conversation with most people I come across. My YouTube channels will be playing, and I'll realize that the fitness coach I follow is no longer on the other side of the world from me, but actually just a three hour train ride away. That the actors and actresses that I talk with my sisters about actually are from where I'm currently living. That this language that has been the white noise to the past three years of my life is no longer white noise, but key to my day to day survival.
It's incredible. It's overwhelming. And on the long days, it can be terrifying. How I chose to frame my experiences becomes more important than ever, as everything I've ever done has now become a "first time". If something were to get complicated or go wrong, for the first time in years I don't have the language skills to handle it. A skill I have prided myself in for a long while.
And it hasn't even been a problem yet (look at the story with the drunk ajussi in SBD, was totally fine). I've realized it's incredibly easy to look at future tasks and begin overthinking them. What if I go to the store and I don't have enough money to pay? Logic says it'd be exactly what I'd do in the US, say sorry and put something away. Or even better, plan well enough so that wouldn't be a problem in the first place. Allowing the language and cultural barriers to stand in the way of basic daily tasks makes for a lonely and miserable existence.
It's easy to be disheartened when after spending an hour carefully going through a delivery app to order food, and after finally figuring out what to order, translating what feels like a million words, and pushing some buttons that hopefully weren't significant, the app won't accept the order because the user (me) cannot to be verified.
What to do? There's the get upset at the system option. That can be satisfying, after all it isn't my fault that this is how things are working out. With how much they want tourists, you'd think they could have found a way to make it more foreigner friendly. Honestly do they want my money or don't they?
But that doesn't get me food. It also creates a wall between me and this new culture that I've dropped myself into. After all, it's not like Korea grabbed me and forced me to be here. They owe me nothing. If anything, I carry additional responsibility for the interactions I have have here than in the ones I would have at the states. Because I came here knowing I can't communicate well, that it'd take a while to get a bank account, to get my Alien Resident Card (ARC), that I wouldn't be 100% functioning for a while. Nobody I interact with here are responsible for my cultural and social ignorance.
Every extra effort that someone here makes because of my inability is a gift they give to me. And while there are some inconveniences, feeling anger at something/someone else for a situation I have put myself in is self-defeating. By doing that I take away from the good that others have done for me. By failing to be understanding and not accepting responsibility for my position, I create a burden for others to bear that shouldn't be theirs to begin with.
Does it mean I don't get to eat ddeokbokki for dinner? Really it means I decided that I don't want to get on a bus and go to the restaurant, so I call the hour I spent a language and cultural lesson, and go to the convenience store to grab something instead. Telling myself I'm grateful that I'm being helped in my weight-loss goals because I have to go get my food (though this way I actually get to buy an ice cream cone so who knows how helpful that is).
2020/7/29
A couple personal victories. Yesterday I finished my second day solo teaching, and I can say that I've thoroughly been enjoying meeting and teaching my kids. Talking to the teachers, and figuring out the puzzle that is my material.
Yesterday was also the first day I've ever ridden a bus by myself. Whoa I know, don't be too shocked. It ended up being a learning experience in more ways than one. I previously was not aware that the T-money card that I use to pay for the bus fair will also be accepted at most convenience stores (CVs) as a prepaid card. I tried to have the lady at the register put more money on my card, but there was a slight misunderstanding, and I ended up paying for my lunch with it by mistake.
So I learned two things - I kind of have a card that is accepted here, and if I want my card refilled I need to put had them my card with the money first, then pay for food. It doesn't mean I that once I figured this out that I went to the same CV to refill it though. I totally went to the one with the ajumma who smiles easily and offers me bags for my ice cream (if you ask how much ice cream I buy in a week I'll just tell you what I tell my kids - a lot).
The whole reason I got on the bus was because Tuesday nights are Korean lessons, and if it isn't clear yet, Korean I don't speak. I had also already gone the week before as part of my "welcome to Changwon" tour and had already established an expectation with my teacher, Sunny, that I would be there. He had texted me on Monday to make sure I knew the address so I could find it by myself this time, as well as to make sure I was still planning on coming.
So here we are on Tuesday, and I had the address (really just the name of the building with a screenshot of a map location) and a verbal commitment that I would be there. Ironically that was the only reason I made it. You'd think it would be my driving need to speak a language that everyone else here speaks so I can function, but no, can't break a promise.
Which resulted in my sitting at a bus stop somewhat anxiously waiting for a bus to come. It was there that I somewhat passively learned Korean bus etiquette (it could be like this everywhere to be fair, I have no idea). If the bus is coming, and you're not standing and looking like you want to get on it, it's not even going to pretend to stop (that's the story of how I missed the first bus).
But if you stand close to the edge, and lean forward like you're going to jump in front of the bus if it doesn't stop, it will pause just long enough for you to scramble up the stairs before taking off again (which is the story of how I caught the second bus). I was slightly worried about missing my stop, but I realized that I was better at hearing the different stops than I thought. I also realized that after we had stopped a few times it would announce the stop it was approaching then say the stop that would be coming afterwards. This made my life significantly easier because then I just needed two stop names, mine and the one before it. Ironically this was the easiest part of the trip.
I got off the bus, and looked around. I was relieved when it looked like where I had gotten off last time and I started walking. What I wish I had known at the beginning of this trip, was that KakaoMaps (at least mine) doesn't tracking your progress like google maps does, so it wasn't long before I realized I had probably gone far past where I needed to be. So I called Sunny through KakaoTalk, who instructed me to keep walking forward, which felt wrong but okay. I kept walking and eventually gave up on my map directing me and started looking at building names and obvious landmarks.
It would be flattering to say that it was my hours of studying how to read Hangul that resulted in my figuring things out, but it was the giant CHANGWON HOTEL sign that tipped me off I was about four blocks too far North. So I crossed the street and headed back.
There's something comforting about confirming when you're lost. It's significantly better than that ambiguous place in between where you're not sure enough to question, but not confident enough to feel secure. Once you're lost you know that where you are, isn't where you need to be. You've also already messed up once, which seems to absolve you of the guilt of any other future mishaps. So I walked confidently along, watching carefully for other big names that I might be able to identify.
About four minutes into walking into this new direction my phone rang. While the number wasn't saved, I was about 98.99% sure it was Sunny, since he was one of three people who had my new number. Armed with that confidence, I answered, "yeobuseo?"*.
There was a happy chuckle from the other line, and it was Sunny checking to see if I was still lost. He had me tell him what building I was at, and then kept me giving him landmarks until finally he said, "Oh! Can you see me? I'm waving."
And sure enough, up the sidewalk was a familiar figure in a short-sleeved white button-up waving. I waved back, and trotted over, relieved thinking I had been closer than I thought.
That was a lie. I had been as far away as I thought. But Sunny had gone above and beyond and walked out two blocks to find me. Something I deeply appreciated and was a little embarrassed by, because at this point I was most definitely late for the class he was supposed to be leading. But he told me it was fine because one of the other students comes late anyways so we wouldn't be starting anyways. Which kind of made me feel better? Honestly, at that point I just decided that I would only worry about what Sunny worried about, and Sunny doesn't worry about anything.
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We caught the end of a green walking light and dashing across the street were finally to the building that housed his offices where we met for classes. I was ready to look for the elevator, but as if reading my mind Sunny said "I really like stairs." and had us headed up the four half flights to his office. Fun fact about buildings like this - shared hallways and stairs don't have A/C or much by way of heating. So the same muggy heat that had plagued me outside also permeated the stairwell.
By the time I reached the end I was sweaty and barely managing to keep from seeming out of breath as Sunny cheerfully led his way to his offices. The man should be a legend. To be entirely honest, I'm not sure exactly how Sunny ended up teaching Korean. He's pretty high up in an insurance company (which is how we have access to his offices for our classes), and as far as I know he doesn't have a background in teaching Korean as a second language. These classes are offered for free, and the teachers who help him are volunteers.
The teacher I replace told me that he just liked talking to and meeting new people. She told me that when she first met him, she had actually thought he was a bit much. Offering to have her over for dinner with his family and giving rides to places if she needed them. He's definitely an extrovert, and has an open generosity that is certainly amazing. But it's also consistent with the other people I've met here. Everyone has been kind, supportive, and understanding. Sunny just isn't afraid of talking to you.
We got to the classroom and being the perfect host that he is, Sunny had a cup of water in my hand and us settled in our seats within two minutes. All the while happily chattering with Miriam (our other teacher) and Kat, my fellow student.
Then the lessons began.
I will admit, I didn't really study for class. Part of it is what he assigned I already knew pretty well. I had had every intention of memorizing the phrases that I hadn't known, but as we all know intentions are never good enough, and so I was only partially prepared for class. I used all my lucky cards there, because he was happy with my ability to read Hangul, and with the phrases I already knew. But he could tell I think that I hadn't spent very much time on it. Mostly because when we got to this week's homework every time he asked me to do something he looked my straight in the eyes and said "you'll have this memorized next week? You'll have written out these sentences next week?"
And after all that Sunny had done for me at this point, there was no way I could do anything other than tell him yes with 100% sincerity.
On top of my wins from last night was that he was very satisfied with my pronunciation, something I'm particularly concerned with. I doubt I'll ever sound like I'm Korean, but I would much rather eventually have a comfortable hint of an accent, than sound fresh off the plane. Though one word in particular has was very impressed with, and I had to give Spanish all the credit for that one. There's a "kk" sound in Korean that sounds almost angry when you use it, and gives the vowels following it a harsh almost higher pitch. This particular word had kkakka as a prefix. Any of you Spanish speakers out there would also know that there are places in Mexico where there's a similar sounding word that's also a term for poop.
So I'll firmly admit to laughing like one of the 10 yearold kids in my classes every time he had me say it. It was juvenile, I didn't care. Sunny was slightly puzzled at my laughter, and was only partially convinced when I told him it was because it was just a funny sound.
Class finished well, and I felt a lot better for it, though I was tired from my full day of teaching. It was also kind of like a tongue twister for my brain, to go from teaching English all day to switching gears and trying to think in Korean. But I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
But 9PM came and it was time to leave, so we filed out of the offices, and Kat and I chatted outside the door with Miriam while Sunny locked up. Then we went down (taking the elevators hahaha), and worked our way out of the building. Miriam offered to give me a ride home, and then proceeded to try and speak to me only in Korean the entire way. She's a good teacher, slowing down, checking for understanding, but not let me get away with using English to cheat.
Then I was home. Collapsing on the bed I felt relieved. I had done it, gone on a bus all by myself. Which would have honestly stressed me out in the states, much less here in Korea where everything just takes that little bit extra. But I did it. And if I did it then, I can do it again.
-Shayla
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