The One About The Bell Peppers

There have been so many times lately where I've wanted to do something, and had a crippling wave of fear and doubt come crushing down on me. Grocery shopping was one of those things actually. Going back to "Diagon Alley" with money, to actually buy something, was really difficult for me. All the possible worst case scenarios fought for first place in my mind, and all I could think was that I would fail horribly and never be able to buy anything again. Then of course I would starve to death and die. 

Yes, I'm aware my inner thoughts are a titch dramatic. 

But I hadn't come this far just to come this far, and it's ridiculous to move to a country where you know you'll be shopping in a foreign language and then be totally put off by it. At this point I've had the COVID test done twice here, taken all the buses everywhere, found my local congregation, successfully handled a drunk ahjussi, bought ice cream at a convenience store, and walked home in the middle of the night because I missed the bus. 

My betting average was really pretty good. I'd been hitting everything thrown my way with some success, and still the idea of facing a vendor was paralyzing. 

So I sat down and I read my scriptures. Since it was summer vacation I had let my schedule move around a bit, and so it was later than I typically would study. So I read, and I'm not sure it was anything particularly special as I don't remember it. Then I prayed, and all I asked was that this feeling of dread when I thought of going to the market would pass. Then I finished, grabbed my purse and told myself that I just needed to get out the door, and if I ended up back at the CV, and not the market, I wouldn't blame myself for it. 

As I left my apartment I turned left, which led to both the CV and the market. I thought about the things I typically would buy at the CVfairly convinced I was just going to end up with another instant meal for dinner. Images of kimbab (sushi-ish), ramen, ice cream, and sandwiches ran through my mind and I stopped in my tracks.

I was in South Korea, five minutes from a market with all kinds of food and fresh things to eat, and I was going to buy not just fast food, but CV fast food? Was this why I had come here? A wave of indignation washed through me, and in that moment there was no greater betrayal to this entire experience than going to that CV instead of the market (still dramatic friends, nothing's changed). I was in South Korea darn it. I was going to learn the language, love the people, and thrive here. Eating CV take out was NOT the definition of thriving.

So I pivoted and went down the road to the market. 

Bravado aside, this was terrifying for me. As I went down the road, my mind ran through the few words of Korean that I knew in relation to shopping, and promptly gave up. I didn't let myself panic about that though, since I was pretty sure I had lost the ability to speak. 

Going in through the big entryway the second time was so much better than the first. So many stores I hadn't noticed before. Colors everywhere, so many stalls with fruits and vegetables, food vendors, smells, clothes. The change was almost as dramatic as going from a black and white movie to seeing it again in full color on a big screen. I was in awe. Which didn't help my speech problem, but did distract from my nerves for about 30 seconds.

I would like to say my first purchase there was intentional and a remarkable success. One where I confidently asked in my fresh Korean how much those vegetables were, had no problem understanding their response, and made an immediate fast friend of the vendor. But if you've made it this far you can likely guess that my emotional and mental state wasn't really allowing of too much brilliance on the first try. 

What really happened was I saw a stand of vegetables. I wanted to look intentional so I crouched down in front of them and grabbed the one thing that I totally recognized - a bag of bell peppers. There was enough of my brain left that I made sure they weren't wrinkly looking, and I thought I knew the price. Then I just looked up at the vendor and lifted them up to him, saying hesitantly, "얼마예요?" (how much?).

I don't think he heard me. Mostly because he just stood, grabbed my peppers, put them in a black grocery sack, and then while I was fiddling with my wallet, helped another lady. So I did my default "not sure how much this is but we gon' find out" move, and handed him a ₩10,000 note (~$8.50). It worked. He took it, then gave me enough change that I realized I should have trusted what his sign had said and tried with my ₩5,000 note instead.

Then there I was, the proud owner of three bell peppers.

Mind reeling from the fact that I had just bought something and hadn't died, I continued my way down the market. Somehow I recognized a sign for a store my friend R had told me about. It was tucked in at the base of a giant building, and I remembered that it had felt a little sketchy to me when I had gone past it on my first visit. But this time I was a little more comfortable, and had come to readjust my standards for sketchy.

Plus I now had bell peppers. Nothing could go wrong. So I walked up the stairs and through the doors. Then a few minutes later I was out of it again with a large bag of groceries in hand. Shopping there had been easier. It was very similar to the Uni-Mart Asian market back home, just bigger and better in pretty much every way (no offense Uni-Mart). I also had proof that I actually had learned some Korean, because I successfully found the veggie dumplings in the sea of their meaty brethren without a lick of English or a single scan from my translation app.

Then that was it, I had done it. I'd gone shopping, bought stuff, and was going to be able to go home and eat something that wasn't ramen. I felt so much relief and gratitude. All that worrying and it was just as uneventful as shopping in the US.

I've gone a few more times since then, and I can't say that all my nerves are gone. There are food stalls I'd like to try but haven't yet, stores I'd like to go in that make my nervous, and someday I'm going to buy a whole eel just because I can. 

But this week I bought bell peppers and some basics, which is probably just fine.

-Shayla